- I will gzip all server responses.
- I will not include any blocking scripts.
- I will use SVGs instead of JPGs, wherever possible.
- I will not include ads, even ones that request users to join groups or lists on Facebook or Twitter.
- I will debounce scroll events.
- I will ignore “the fold” – no matter what the client says.
- I will resist the urge to use
window.alert to inform visitors that there’s a Facebook group for cool friends and if they wanna join it, that’s fine, it only takes a few clicks.
- I will not use
translate3d as a hack.
- I will not use synchronous XHR to request the list of friends in my Facebook group, and then use the list in order to check to see if the current visitor is on the list, and then show a warning to people who aren’t in the group that says that they have their priorities “messed up” and that “jeeze,” it’s just a stupid group, why can’t you just join it.
- I will use a CDN to serve static content (with no cookies!).
- I will not “waste bytes” in HTML comments to explain that I’d really appreciate it if you joined the Just Cool Friends™ Facebook group. Things haven’t really been the same for me since Linda left, and it’s just so easy to join that it’s actually a little bit rude that you wouldn’t. I don’t post much in there, and I won’t even know if you ‘mute’ the posts from showing up on your feed. But honestly it’s only like one or two posts every day, so it’s not like seeing them in your feed would kill you.
- I mean it’s one crummy group that you join and it makes a guy feel better about himself. The number of people that join goes up and so does my happiness, how does that not make sense? If you have a problem with me or with something I’ve done in the past, you could just bring it up on the group, that’s literally what it’s for. Sometimes I just sit around refreshing the group page, waiting as those numbers tick up. Each number…
- … is another dollar in the bank of my emotional stability. I scratch the pixels into my screen: “10,000,000”. I count in my sleep: “two-hundred-and-six, two-hundred-and-seven” – each time a friend is added my joy grows, my sadness pales, my existence means that much more. I weep as the numbers hit double and then triple digits. So many friends. So many lives touched. How can I be this lucky? How can I be this influential and popular? See Linda?! I’m not a “loner.” I have way more friends in my group than you ever had! Maybe you’re the loner, Linda, or should I call you “Lone-da?!” I hope you can find your own group one day. I hope you can be as meaningful and influential to so many people as I am. And another friend joins. And another friend joins.
- I will minify all of my CSS.